Several years ago, God started showing me how attached I was to some of the very things I continued to ask Him to set me free from.

I didn’t want to be entangled with lust and fantasizing about other women anymore.

At the same time, though, I felt incredible comfort there.

I felt wanted and desired there as well.

Sexual sin seems to come deceptively close to filling voids that we have, but it is a counterfeit to the real intimacy God created.

I think some of us flirt with sin because we don’t see it for what it really is. 

What we often don’t acknowledge, is we are flirting with death by doing this. It slowly kills us.

Sometimes we (knowingly or unknowingly) reserve a small corner in our hearts that guards that sin from being completely exposed. On one hand we hate it, but a small part of us is also comforted by that sin. It can temporarily provide us feelings of love, intimacy, security, comfort, value, or even acceptance.

Do you struggle with sexual sin? Have you struggled for so long that you don’t know who you are without it? That can be scary. I have been there. I held onto some strongholds long after I continued to ask Jesus to set me free from them, because I didn’t know who I was without them. I didn’t like what I was doing, but it seemed less scary than the unknown of who I would be without that sin in my life.

Are you holding onto sin or strongholds because it comforts you or out of fear of the unknown?

May I be completely honest, here?

Several months ago (in 2017, in case you are reading this later) I found out something concerning my husband that shook me to the core. He said he doesn’t mind if I share about it on my blog, but I am not ready to do that, yet.

I will tell you, though, that this situation brought up that same old lie I often used to hear in my heart:

It’s foolish to trust men. Only women are safe.”

That may not sound so bad to you, but that is one of the lies that once fueled the fantasies I had about being with another woman instead of a man.

That whisper started to sound real to me again. So convincing. The confirmation of, “I knew it!” seemed justifiable. Then those old familiar sins I broke free from years ago started calling my name with that convincing “promise” of receiving comfort and affection from women in ways I was never meant to have.

If I’m honest, I have to say that finding out this news caused me to stop and pause my heart there a few times.

I’m not saying I started looking at porn or fantasizing about women again.

Pausing my heart on that lie (even for a short time) is a dangerous place for me to be.

Thankfully, I heard someone else’s voice calling to me during that time, as well.

I heard God’s voice calling out to me.

It was almost as if when I paused to turn my head to look at that old sin calling my name, I heard God the Father calling out to me.

Suddenly that old lie was exposed for what it was, again.

We cannot afford to flirt with sin. It’s deceptive and slowly kills us.

Thankfully I know His voice, and I know where I ultimately find true comfort and fulfillment. I have learned (and am still learning) to trust Him, because my heart is safe with Him. The intimacy I have with Him is real, and it’s something I have developed with Him over the years. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!

Below is something I wrote in 2011 when God was starting to reveal a lot of this to me. Even if your situation is different than mine, I pray that the Holy Spirit reveals any weeds that you have let grow in your mind and heart. This is something He has done with me over and over again throughout the last several years. This is not to condemn me (or you). It’s because He loves us. He extends His love and grace to help us overcome. Without Him, we could never break free.

He knows the sins that call our names.

He knows the sins that call your name.

We can mentally acknowledge them as sin, but in our hearts we can mistake them as beautiful flowers. They are weeds.

Reading this journal entry below makes me smile now. God has done so much since I wrote it, and I have that intimacy with Him, now. I had a lot of weeding to do, but I now have so many flowers where there were once weeds. With His grace I was able to break free and be restored.

The Flowerbed of My Mind (2011)

“The flowerbed of my mind has been taken over by weeds. Some of these weeds grew as a result of sexually explicit things I was exposed to without my consent. Other weeds grew out of experiences I had in my past, along with everything else I have been exposed to just living in this world.

The biggest weeds are the ones that I feel like I have watered, nurtured, and strengthened myself. These are weeds that have grown out of me using my imagination to think about sinful acts, pictures, videos, scenarios, stories and fantasies, and they have spread all throughout my mind.

These particular weeds have taken over my entire flowerbed. I have watered and cared for them, and for many years considered them beautiful flowers, not weeds.

These weeds are like dandelions. Dandelions are pretty little yellow flowers. They look harmless, and they don’t look like weeds at all. So once upon a time I let them stay. I didn’t realize they were starting to take over my garden, because they looked like a harmless flower. Once I realized they were weeds, I tried to pull them out of my garden – only to realize that they were growing right back.

I pulled them up again, but they grew again, all the while spreading their seeds all throughout the remainder of my flowerbed.

I need some serious weed killer for my garden! The problem is, I have become strangely attached to these weeds. I don’t want them, because they are choking out every new and good thing that I’ve tried to plant. But at the same time, they are all I know.

These dandelions used to bring me love, intimacy, security, comfort, acceptance, joy, and peace. It was all false, though; a counterfeit to the real thing that God created for me to have and enjoy.

I have yet to experience the true Godly love, intimacy, security, acceptance, joy, and peace because of this counterfeit. I’m so tired of these dandelions, but they seemed like real flowers to me for so long that now when I try to plant new flowers, they don’t even have a chance to grow. They get choked out before they even have a chance to bloom.

I don’t think I can finally kill these weeds until I truly see them for what they are. My mind knows they are deadly weeds, but my heart still remembers the time when I didn’t realize they were weeds, yet. I found so much comfort in them, and I still do.

How can I find comfort in a weed? I’m realizing that I’ve been waiting for the new, godly flowers to grow bright, strong beautiful and tall before I wholeheartedly get the strongest weed killer I can find and kill the dandelions. I have finally realized it’s not going to work that way, though. They both cannot exist in the same garden at the same time.

No good thing can grow in this garden until I first kill (not just mow over) ALL of these weeds. Only then can flowers with true life and beauty begin to grow. Only then will I experience the TRUE beauty that God created me to have”.

Difficult times will come, like I mentioned above. Keeping the flowerbed of my mind weed-free is something I need to maintain. It has been a process, but it has been so worth it. You can have this, too!

Ask Him to help you pull out all of the weeds, and do whatever it takes to do so. Those weeds are often based on lies that we believe. Ask God to expose those lies to you, and He will show you the truth as well. (When you know who He made you to be and how He truly sees you, this makes weeding much easier.)

You can have intimacy with Him that truly fulfills. It is far better than the counterfeit intimacy that sin throws our way. He loves you and wants to set you free.

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  1. Jeannie Jellal says:

    Amy Your an amazing woman of God and so transparent, I was always enamored with how beautiful women looked thin and how they looked in clothes because I had low self esteem and I struggled with y weight since a teen I took control and made food my enemy and its hold on me and I was anorexic all through high school with excessive exercise and starvation..I would fanticise over the women in teen magazines and pretend they were physical body suffered and I lost an abundance of weight and what I wanted myself to be never happened..I wasnt beautiful, I was ugly..I got married and my ex husband was abusive emotionaly, mentally, and physically, he called me awful names, I stayed in the marriage way to long, I had a daughter and gained alot of weight in my pregnancy, then instead of looking like a skeleton I was grotesque, no matter what I do I cant lose to this day..I use food as a sheild around e to protect me from being looked at by men, my second husband has to deal with these demons inside me, I never believe him when he says I look nice it takes its toll on our relationship..I want to give it to God but something is holding me back..just pray for me ok?

    1. Hi Jeannie, Thank you for sharing your heart. I think so many people can relate to so much of this. I will most definitely pray for you.

  2. Thanks, Amy. This is very helpful. I particularly like your image of the dandelion. Misdirected sexuality can feel very powerfully like “love, intimacy, security, comfort, acceptance, joy, and peace”–and affirmation, relaxation, rest, or just being who you “really are”–just like a dandelion looks as pretty and natural and harmless as any other flower. After all, how many little kids bring bouquets of dandelions home to their mothers and get big hugs for their sweet gift! When I’m overpowered by intense craving for those dandelions, I can cry before the Lord, “I really need them! Don’t you want me to have them? Didn’t you make them? Aren’t they your gift to me? Can’t I have just one? Just a little one?” But you are right. They are counterfeit. They are poison. They “slowly kill us.” It’s not just that they put down roots that are so hard to dig out, that take over our soil, and choke the tender growths of God’s grace. It’s those tiny little seeds that are so nasty. We don’t see them when the bright yellow flower is blooming. It’s only later, when scattered all over the place, driven by the gusts, uncontrollably, that we realize what damage a single little dandelion can do–just one little “pleasant” experience or fantasy, for just one little time, even many years ago. But GOD is ALWAYS MERCIFUL. Like the Father of the prodigal child, he rushes to embrace us tenderly, to clothe us in the wedding gown of grace. (I like Lysa TerKeurst’s book MADE TO CRAVE, especially for its anthology of Biblical passages about craving. She writes about her struggles with craving for food, but her insights are very helpful for sexual craving as well.)

  3. janet A meyer says:


    I really enjoyed what you wrote here it was very true and powerful and has encouraged me not to give up! I am currently getting help now but a good christian counselor. I been married to my husband for almost 7 years and have always had thought’s and desires for women and prior to my husband I was involved with a woman for 10 years. I know there is freedom in Jesus! I met this woman on line and the emotional attachment we have is very powerful and it seems I can not get away from it no matter what I do so I hoping and praying that this new approach will finally over times set me free from the slavery and bondage of Homosexuality and sexual sin. Thank you for posting!

    God bless
    In Jesus
    Janet Angela Meyer

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