I will never forget the day I confessed to my husband that I was not only watching porn, but I was watching lesbian porn. Despite the shame and guilt I felt, I did not know how to stop.
When I was younger, I became emotionally enmeshed and later sexually involved with another girl my age. I also dabbled in porn. I found myself drawn to the women in porn, but I didn’t think much of it. At such a young age, I never considered how those decisions could affect my heart, and I certainly never thought they would follow me into my future.
My husband and I were married for two years when I gave birth to our first child. This was a planned and welcomed pregnancy, and everything went well throughout my entire pregnancy until I had an unexpected c-section the week before I was due. I was planning to have a natural childbirth, so not being able to experience any part of the labor process left me feeling hollow.
After my son was born, my sense of grief did not lift. It was if all of the issues I had never dealt with from my past started bursting up to the surface of my heart. I struggled with undiagnosed post-partum depression, and several months went by before I sought help.
During this time, I did what I thought I would never do. I started watching porn again.
Why Lesbian Porn?
At first, it was a welcomed escape, allowing me to temporarily numb the pain in my heart that I didn’t know what to do with.
I really had no interest in the violent porn I saw involving men and women. Rather, seeing two women together piqued my interest. It seemed much more sensual and intimate and reminded me of the relationship I had long ago.
My curiosity of seeing two women together snowballed when I started watching lesbian porn.
I soon found myself completely enticed, and I started continually fantasizing about being with another woman. I felt incredible shame. I was not only married to a man I loved very much, but I had given my life to Christ several years earlier. How could this happen? I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I felt so confused.
I eventually confessed this to my husband, and we started down the long road of healing. God started to heal my heart as I surrendered everything to Him again, and I eventually broke free from watching pornography. The fantasies I had of women remained to be a struggle for a long time, though. I had no idea how much I lived in a fantasy world until I tried to stop.
I experienced such regret for the lasting effects it was having on my mind, heart and marriage. Long after I stopped watching porn, I still could not erase the images from my mind. I felt like I was not only betraying my husband, but I was betraying God.
It was very difficult for me to talk to God about the fantasies I continually had about being with another woman. I pleaded with God to take it all away. I knew it wasn’t what I really wanted, but I didn’t know how to reset my brain to the way it was before. I felt incredible shame for what I had let spiral out of control, and talking to God about it was nothing short of mortifying.
Sexual Identity: Is This Just Who I Am?
The purpose of my article is not to defend whether or not homosexual behavior is sinful. That’s another article for another time. Rather, my goal is to lift the silence about something many women experience while watching pornography.
As I started to minister to women who struggled with porn a few years later, I was surprised to discover that many other women found themselves drawn to women in porn, even if they did not necessarily identify themselves as homosexual or bisexual.
What starts out as curiosity with lesbian porn can eventually escalate into a struggle with one’s sexual identity.
Certainly not all women who see lesbian porn are drawn to it, but for many, this becomes a stepping stone to questioning their sexual orientation. Like all porn, viewing something repeatedly trains our brain to go back to the same source for more. For the Christian woman who is not only caught in the web of porn, but also finds herself attracted to the women in it, this can cause quite an internal conflict.
Joe Dallas concurs:
“If a person realizes he’s homosexual and has no moral or religious objections to it, then he’ll probably choose to express his desires, adopt a gay identity, and move on in life. But when sexual orientation clashes with world view—as is often the case when a Christian realizes his sexual feelings are at odds with his faith—then hard choices have to be made.”
Plainly put, if I’m attracted to the same sex, yet believe that expressing those attractions is wrong, then I won’t view the attractions as “just a part of who I am.” I’ll see them as a problem to be resolved. And, more often than not, I’ll want to discuss that problem with someone who shares my beliefs, understands the issues involved, and can help me explore and pursue options I can in good conscience live with.
One woman recently told me she was exposed to porn at a young age, and the scene of two women together never left her mind. Seeing this deeply affected her sexual identity. “From then on I was attracted to women, and I was drawn to pornography,” she said. The graphic sexual scene of two women together changed the way she viewed women. This created a great conflict for her, because she believes God did not originally create her this way.
Another young woman wrote to me, saying that she has always hoped to marry a man someday, but she has dwelled on and fed her attraction to women for so long that she doesn’t know how to go back.
The shame and secrecy from same-sex attractions that are often times fueled by pornography cause many women to hide in shame and despair. Many do not even find themselves attracted to women in their day-to-day life but continue to be drawn to lesbian porn and the fantasies that go with it.
I recognize this deeply-layered struggle. I have lived it, but I also know there is so much hope.
Confessing my sin and struggles was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but it was also the most freeing. I started discovering hope when I finally confessed what I was struggling with, allowing healing to begin.
God has healed my heart in many ways over the last several years, and the intimacy I craved so deeply I finally found with Him. I had to come to a place of seeking Him first, deciding to love and obey Him whether or not He ever restored my sexuality to the way it once was.
As I slowly developed an intimate relationship with Him, and as He slowly began the process of healing my heart, the sexual images in my mind became less and less appealing. Today He continues to heal my heart, and I will always be grateful for the love and grace He has shown me countless times.
If you are a woman who struggles with watching lesbian porn, I encourage you to find someone you trust to confess this to.
I recognize the challenge of telling another woman you struggle with watching lesbian porn. For me, I found it much easier to talk with a woman who was several years older than I was. It was much easier for me to be transparent with her.
If you do not know of anyone who you can tell, pray that God would show you who you can talk to. He loves you so very much! Take a deep breath and grab ahold of His hand for help. He will take you on an amazing journey. The hope, joy and healing you will find along the way will be worth it.
*This post was also shared on Covenant Eyes,
