Four years into my marriage I was buried in guilt and shame due to a porn addiction that no one (including my husband) knew about. The secrecy was killing me inside. Every single day I wished I could stop, but I didn’t know how. Day after day I promised myself that “today will be the last day,” but that always proved to be false.
No one suspected I was looking at porn. I was involved in my church, a new mom, and everything seemed to be fine on the outside. My heart was so heavy with this secret, but I didn’t know how to tell anyone. For quite a while, I tried to compartmentalize this addiction, separating it from the rest of my life.
Slowly but surely, I started to realize that this secret was not staying isolated at all. It was beginning to invade and infect every area of my life.
I was trapped in watching lesbian porn, and the shame was consuming me. The draw I felt towards other women grew by leaps and bounds after immersing myself in porn for so long. I started to see how it was affecting the way I saw women in real life, and this terrified me.
Little by little, this secret was destroying my life. It was destroying my relationship with my husband, my friends, and most of all my relationship with God. I wanted so much to stop, but I did not know how to tell anyone what I was doing. The shame I felt was so great.
One day I felt the Holy Spirit so strongly, prompting me to tell my husband everything that I was doing. I was terrified about what would happen when I told him, but I was also terrified about what would happen if I didn’t tell him. I had tried telling him several other times, but I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth. I just couldn’t do it.
My inner world that no one knew anything about was spiraling out of control. I knew I needed to tell my husband the very same day the Holy Spirit laid it on my heart, because I might not ever do it otherwise. I wasn’t sure how I was ever going to make the words come out of my mouth. Like I mentioned, I had tried before with no success.
I ended up writing my confession down on a piece of paper. I felt ridiculous for not being able to say it out loud, but seeing my own words caused me to realize even more what a mess I had made of my marriage and what a mess my own heart had become.
I will never forget how I felt when my husband came home that day. He opened up the door and started walking up the steps, while I stood at the top with my note of confession for him. When he got to the top of the stairs, I gave him the note as my heart felt like it was going to collapse from fear and dread.
He read what I wrote, sat down at the dining room table, and then got up to leave again. He didn’t come back for a few hours. I tried calling him, but he didn’t answer. I honestly wondered if our marriage was going to be over.
We went through some very difficult days and months after that, but God so graciously and mercifully helped our hearts to heal. After a long process, trust was established again, and our marriage was eventually restored. In the process, God healed my heart, and He also set me free.
Finding the Boldness to Confess Your Secret
So how do you find the boldness to tell someone that you are trapped in porn? I know that my step of giving a piece of paper with a few words written down on it does not look bold in most situations, but looking back it was one of the boldest decisions I had ever made.
I was consumed with fear over what my husband’s face would look like when I told him.
I didn’t know what would happen to my marriage.
I feared losing everything.
I feared looking like a freak to everyone who found out (because that’s how I felt about myself).
I was afraid that I did so much damage to myself that I could never be set free.
Yes, I finally took that step of boldness, but I didn’t do it by myself. I believed and had to trust that the Holy Spirit was going to be there with me when I confessed this secret to my husband. I didn’t have the strength by myself to confess this to him, but I found the strength when I leaned on the Holy Spirit to help me. He was prompting me to tell my husband, so I knew He would be the one to give me the strength to do it.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” writes Paul in Philippians 4:13. We also find in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that God’s grace is sufficient for us, and His power is made perfect in weakness.
We can find the strength and grace we need in Jesus.
We need to lean on God to give us direction and the strength to confess this secret. None of us have what we need to do any of this in our own strength.
If you have a porn addiction and are reading this article, I’m guessing you maybe tried to find a way to tell someone before. Maybe you have tried several times, just like you have tried to stop looking at porn over and over again. I know I tried several times before I actually confessed it as well.
I want to encourage you–my healing began when I finally told my husband. We had a lot to work through, and many tears were shed, but our marriage is much better now than it ever was.
When I finally told my husband, the grip of shame that was on me started to break off. I was then able to talk to a few others, and I discovered I wasn’t alone after all.
Once I told my husband, my relationship with God started to change once I was able to be open and honest with God about my temptations as well. I soon started to discover intimacy with Jesus, which is what I was craving all along.
The process God took me through after I confessed this to my husband took a while, but I wouldn’t ever want to go back to being tortured with a secret like that again.
Keeping everything in the dark only causes strongholds to grow.
Freedom begins with transparency. Telling someone was the first step to me being set free.
Are you searching for the boldness to confess your porn addiction to someone? I encourage you to pray and ask God for an opportunity to tell someone. I know this has been eating you alive on the inside. The thought of telling someone is terrifying, but I also know the relief, healing, and freedom that is available for you on the other side. Yes, there may be difficult times ahead, but the relief of not having to hold that inside anymore is insurmountable.
Do you happen to be a woman struggling with pornography? You are not alone! There are many women I have talked to over the years who have struggled with this as well. They loved God but were buried in shame due to this secret sin. Every once in a while I will get a follow-up e-mail from one of these women telling me how much God has done in her life since she started seeking help. I love that! It’s not an easy road, and it’s most definitely a process, but with God’s grace and strength it can be done.
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” –James 5:16
As you contemplate finding the boldness to confess this secret, I am praying that God heals your heart and restores your soul. If you are married, I pray for restoration in your marriage and healing for your spouse’s heart as well. I pray that you discover what intimacy with Jesus is, because it’s better than any porn.
God does not hate you. He loves you and wants to set you free. I thought God hated me for what I was doing, but I finally realized He didn’t hate me. He wanted me to confess my sin to Him and to my husband so He could heal my heart and set me free. It was a process, but it is one that I have never regretted.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” –Jeremiah 29:11
I pray that you find the boldness and the strength that only God can give you to share this secret with someone you trust. Leaning on the Holy Spirit for the strength to tell someone (and the words to say) will let light into the darkness of this secret, and God can work with that to begin healing your heart and setting you free.
The same grace and strength found in Jesus to tell your porn secret is also the same grace and strength that is available for you to find freedom from porn. Jesus can heal your heart, restore your mind, and set you free.
It starts with telling someone.
*This post was also shared on Covenant Eyes.
