It has been such a long time since I have shared anything on my blog. I am going to share something today that feels very vulnerable for me. The Lord showed me the other morning that this is what my heart looks like. These are wounds that have been suffocating me.
Maybe I can go into more detail at another time, but I am seeing how much I have let fear of others (and fear of hurting others) and rejection take up residence in my heart.
In the last couple of years I have also walked through betrayal, shame, heartache, and despair, like many of you have. I am now seeing how dealing with physical pain, sickness, and exhaustion increased my vulnerability to these wounds I listed in the picture – which in turn increased the physical illness affecting my body. It was like a double-edged sword.
Emotional wounds take a toll on our bodies.
It’s like running a race and breaking your ankle part way through. You planned to run that race for a long time, so you hobble along and try to keep going. After a while it feels like you are walking through sludge, going slower and slower. Then you come to a complete stop, unable to go any further. You see other injured people pass you by who you would normally help, but it is almost impossible to do so while you are so injured, yourself.
That is where I have been.
As I am slowly finally healing and experiencing a break from so much physical pain and exhaustion, the wounds in my heart are becoming glaringly obvious to me. My heart has been hurting in so many ways. Situations keep taking place and painful memories keep coming back out of nowhere.
Although it has been painful, this has been encouraging for me. Why? I will never forget what transpired right before Jesus took me through some very deep heart healing several years ago. It was very much like what is happening now.
The Holy Spirit often reveals the wounds and lies in our hearts before Jesus heals us in those same areas. This is a quote from my book that I just recently went back to:
When God started healing my heart in this
Amy Riordan
area, I didn’t know what was going on. Everything was making me angry. Everything and everyone offended me. I was constantly angry with my husband. I would explode over nothing. I didn’t realize God was at work. God wasn’t putting anger in me. He was drawing out and exposing what had been deeply buried
in my heart.
Longing for Intimacy: Hope for Women Struggling with
Same-Sex Attraction
Thank you for those of you who have stuck with me this far. I know how quiet I have been. I haven’t had a whole lot to say. I look forward to one day writing more about this. Occasionally, I think about starting a podcast; but we will see!
Jesus did such a deep healing work in my heart a few years ago, and much of what I have written on this blog has flowed out of that. I have been asking Him to heal my heart again in these other areas, and I know it is coming.
If you were going to draw a picture of your heart today, what would it look like?
