Are You Questioning Your Sexuality?
When I was 18-years-old, I started having dreams (of a sexual nature) about a very good female friend of mine. Up until that point, I had always liked and dated boys and had absolutely no frame of reference for same-sex attractions. I didn’t know what to do with my dreams and certainly did not want to tell anyone.
My feelings for my friend started to change as I dwelled on the dreams I was having of her, and I eventually decided to tell her. This is when I discovered she felt the same way about me. We talked about what we were going to do, and we decided to pursue a relationship with each other.
A couple of years later she moved away, and I was absolutely heartbroken. Up until that point, I reasoned away any thoughts of being bi-sexual, because it was something I only had with her. As time went on, though, I found myself wishing I could find that same kind of closeness again. Being with another girl started to feel like a very good fit for me, and I never experienced that same kind of connection with any of the boys I dated.
I started asking myself, “Am I bi-sexual? Am I gay?”
I slowly started embracing these attractions as part of my identity.
After that relationship I spent many years wondering what it would be like to be with another woman, and I fantasized about it frequently. I did not actively pursue another relationship like that, but I yearned to find that kind of deep connection again.
In my mid-twenties I gave my life to Christ. As I started learning more about who God was (and who He created me to be) I started to realize that He did not create me to be with another woman. That was so confusing to me, because it felt so natural. I saw myself in Romans 1:25 when I read, “They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise!”
I had put the deep desire for a relationship with another woman far above anything else. As a result, I was putting them in a very high place where only God deserved to be.
I spent years forming an identity that God did not create me to have.
Years later, I married my husband and thought I could put all of that behind me. By that time, I had been fostering those attractions for almost 15 years, and trying to shove down my attractions was not working anymore. I secretly started watching (lesbian) pornography and was trapped in shame. I eventually confessed all of this to my husband, and our marriage started down the long road of healing.
We do not necessarily choose the attractions or temptations we have, but it is our choice to decide whether or not we are going to embrace them. We will always have temptations on this earth, but we run into problems when we include those temptations as part of our identity.
I was no longer in a lesbian relationship, but I was fostering those attractions by continually fantasizing about being with another woman again. It wasn’t until I tried to stop all of the sexual fantasies that I realized how much a part of myself it had all become.
God created each one of us, and He is the author of our true identity. Our identity includes many different aspects of our lives, and our sexuality is part of this. God’s Word is clear about His design for sexuality. When we go outside of those parameters, we are in dangerous territory and outside of His will.
Going our own way leads us to death, but when we embrace His ways, we will find LIFE and true fulfillment.
If you can relate to what I have written and are going down a similar road (whether it has been 1 month or 35 years), I want you to know that I truly empathize with this. Renewing my identity with how I knew God saw me was a long and sometimes lonely and painful process. I did not know of any other Christians who were walking through the same thing. Thankfully more people are talking about this now, and it is part of the reason I am so open about sharing my story.
Have I ever experienced the desire to be with a woman again? Yes…but not at all like before. I have found something more fulfilling. ❤️
On this road with many twists and turns, I have found a deep intimacy with God that I never knew existed before. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Jesus has also healed my heart in many different ways. In Him, I now know that same peace and fulfillment that I had always been searching for.
He took my deep desire to be with another woman, and He filled that place in a holy way with Himself. I know that does not sound logical, but it is true and lasting.
Allow Jesus to begin the process of healing your heart, setting you free, and showing you who He created you to be. Give your life to Him! You can trust Him with your heart, your identity and your entire life. He loves you so very much. (The words healing and set free can mean different things to different people. I know this is such a delicate subject. I am not talking about lying to yourself or being in denial. Please refer to my posts about my journey where I talk about that more.)
The goal shouldn’t be falling in love with someone of the opposite sex as much as it needs to be falling in love with Jesus and surrendering your whole life to Him.
As I have surrendered my life to Him, He has healed my heart in many different ways over the last several years. I know firsthand that Jesus can restore us when we give Him the broken pieces of our lives and hearts. Freedom is found when we fully embrace who we were created and redeemed to be.
Hi Amy, I just stumbled across your blog and I can say I went through something similar- although not entirely the same…as I guess nothing is exactly the same, our walks all unique. I can testify of Jesus’ complete healing and freedom from past sexual brokenness in my own life. I had been through a number of situations growing up that made me believe an identity that truly wasn’t mine. I allowed abuse, neglect & buried trauma to define me. I did turn to same sex attraction- only in my mind which I was always so ashamed of…and never understood why my mind would go there as I never wanted to actually physically act on it. I honestly believed that this was going to be something I would struggle with always- knowing Jesus covered it….until about 9 months ago, I was desperately seeking the Bible on healing- having come down with cellulitis out of no where..little by little God broke through this physical ailment to speak to me His desire- complete healing of my sexual past. I am getting tears writing this- because it truly held me captive in so many ways..it threatened to destroy my marriage, but PRAISE JESUS the healing I have received has now only made my faith & love for Jesus stronger than ever- my marriage is SO full of life. 2 Kings 5 was the story I came across that God used to show me His promise. Not only was Naaman’s skin restored to health- it was that of a new born…I can honestly say that when He healed- I am not the same person I once was, I am a complete new creation that has NO past of brokenness. That is a free free free place to be. 🙂
What a beautiful testimony! Thank you for sharing this, Emily.
I found your site a few days ago. I was looking for a way to break the oppression that I’ve been feeling. It seems I’ve gone down a rabbit hole here. My struggle has been with pornography and being attracted to men other than my husband. Usually, just one man. It’s been just one other man for several years now. He’s happily married, but I feel also shares an attraction to me. We used to go to church together. I hate it. I’ve prayed, begged, pleaded, cried, given up, on and on. Ironically, whatever post I read before this page said to focus on Jesus which is what I keep hearing him say. I just haven’t known how, or I thought I already was. Your post (I think it was from 2012 by the dates on the comments) showed me what that really means and why that’s what I need to do. After so many years of dealing with this, an unbelievable amount of years, I am hesitant to have hope of being free from it. I have an small glimmer, though. Faith like a mustard seed. This secret has been controlling me for way too long.